Dear Taxpayers (and others):
Sometime this year, taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Question & Answer format:
Q: What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment?
A: It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.
Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?
A: Only a smidgen of it.
Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q: But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A: Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka.
If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Be patriotic: go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer and/or whisky day and night.
Yours most respectfully,
Gideon ‘George’ Osborne,
Chancellor of the Exchequer.